I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
