i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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