you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
