I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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