I can text with my tongue
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
