You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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