Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
