Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
