i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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