I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
