I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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