Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
