its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
