So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
