dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
