Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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