Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
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I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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