how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
