Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Farmville is her only friend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
