I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
