; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
