i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
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Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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