$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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