Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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