I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
