oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
