omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
