I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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