Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
