you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
