T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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