Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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