the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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