My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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