I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
