there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
