I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
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you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
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Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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