I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
