why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He did a backflip because drugs
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
