yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
