i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
