I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
