i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
