Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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