and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
