Plan B is the new Plan A
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
