i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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