Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
