My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
