I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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