mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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