dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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