I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
