just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
