im six kinds of drunk right now
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
