i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
