please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
