So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
