I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
