her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it