He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.