she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.