Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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