Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
