highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
